A post I had hoped to never have to make

[eretria]

The year 2020 should have started good. Golden 20s, right?

Instead, it started with one of the blackest days of my life.

After not having heard from auburn since 16 December and frantically trying to reach out via every channel I could think of, I finally got in touch with the police in her home town.

I was informed of her death on 3 January. She likely died on 2 January. I don't know for sure. The police won't tell me more as I'm not family.

I ... I'm losing one of my best friends. We have (had - God) been friends for twenty years. There was barely a day that went by without us corresponding. We wrote thousands of words together, followed one another through fandoms (Alias, Due South, SGA, SG-1, X-Men, H-50, White Collar, Chuck, Fringe, Marvel), books, shared joys, dark times, laughed together, cried together, were always on one another's mind even though we never met in person. It's like losing a limb.

We all lose a brilliant writer, a brilliant mind, a friend with so much to give (even though she never saw it), a compassionate human being, whip-smart, talented beyond belief, with a deep love for the nature around her and for books.

Remember her whenever you read one of her stories. Leave a comment even if she will never (God - never) be able to reply again. She will feel it.

My darling wifey - I hope you've found the peace you've always sought. I hope you're happier now.

But, God in Heaven - I miss you.

edited 01/20/20: Thank you for all your comments and notes. I currently have a hard time answering right now because every single comment just drives home even more that she’s just not there anymore. So, if I don't answer straight away, please don't take it as me ignoring you or being rude. It will just take me a while.

Comments

[trobadora]

Oh no.

I'm so sorry for your loss. *HUGS*

[eretria]

Thank you. Seriously. Thank you.

Remember her, yeah? Re-read her stories. She'd have liked that.

[gelliaclodiana]

Oh no, eretria, what a shock. We had lost touch but she still posted on occasion where I could see, and I had hoped that her life had taken a turn for the better. ::hug:: to you, and to us all.

[eretria]

Thank you.

I'm still waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me that it was all just a bad dream - but that person doesn't come.

Thank you for the hugs, they're much needed and much appreciated.
Let's remember her through her stories, yeah?

[celli]

Oh, no. I'm so, so sorry.

[eretria]

Thank you, celli.

[cofax7]

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. We didn't overlap fannishly much, but I always thought she was a brilliant writer.

[eretria]

Thank you. I wish she had known (and believed) how many people thought she was brilliant.

[havocthecat]

I never knew her, nor you, but I'm so sorry for your loss.

[eretria]

Thank you, sincerely.

[mirabile]

I hope you know how terribly sorry I am. I will miss her and her lovely writing so much. May her memory be a blessing to you -- well, to us all. Take care of yourself. Thank you for posting this.

[eretria]

I couldn't not.
Though she would probably tell me not to make a fuss.

I grieve with thee

[dine]

I was so sorry to hear this sad news - auburn's brilliance and talent will indeed be sorely missed.

Re: I grieve with thee

[eretria]

That, it will. Both her and her writing.
I still can't - and don't want to - believe she's no longer here.

[loligo]

I'm so very sorry for your loss! I didn't know her personally, but I loved her work. I will definitely spend some time remembering her by reading and re-reading.

[eretria]

Thank you.
She would love for you to re-read her stories. She always enjoyed notes on older stories so much.

[kuwdora]

omg i'm so sorry.

[eretria]

Thank you.

[wildestranger]

I am so sorry to hear this - indeed a great loss to us all.

[eretria]

Yes, you're absolutely right,not just to me, personally (selfishly), but to all of us. The stories she could have told ...

[ride_4ever]

I'm crying while I'm writing this. I knew her as auburnnothenna in due South. I've read and reread her fic many times, and I still can't imagine that she isn't HERE now.

I feel for your loss of one so close to you, and then for the loss to us all.

[eretria]

Thank you for your words, and I wish I could say something to make it easier, less painful.
Unfortunately, I can't.

[tassosss]

I'm so so sorry. I'm never knew her personally, but she was one of the first fan writers I read whose creativity and brilliance was truly inspiring. I reread Unnatural Selection every year, and many of her other Stargate stories as well.

Her art will be dearly missed. All the hugs for you and those close to her.

[eretria]

She was an inspiration - and so giving and willing to share her brilliance, be it in beta-reading, brainstorming or co-writing.

The first one that really blew me away (besides the ALias stories, which were already fantastic) was her "The taste of apples", because that was utterly breathtaking science-fiction.

[sholio]

*hugshugshugs*

[eretria]

Thank you.

It feels so selfish to make it all about my pain, it's just that right now, I sometimes have a hard time breathing because it bloody well hurts so much.

[sheafrotherdon]

I am so sorry to hear of this, and send all my love to you.

[eretria]

Thank you.
Right now, I'm taking all the hugs and love I can get.
GOD, it hurts.

[thegrrrl2002]

I am so very sorry, sweetie. I didn't know her personally but I read many of her fics. She was incredibly talented.

[eretria]

That she was.

And I miss her so, so much.

[ravurian]

I am so genuinely shocked by this, I can't even tell you, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you don't know details, and God, I'm not asking for them I promise, but do you know what's happened to Peggy?

[eretria]

Police told me that Peggy is okay. I don't know what will happen to her next. I hope she will find someone who loved her as much as Auburn did.

You must have known her a bit better if you know about Peggy?

[melagan]

Thank you for posting this and letting us know as heartbreaking as it must have been to do. I only knew Auburn through her amazing stories, but I can honestly say, her loss will be felt deeply by all of her fandom family.

[eretria]

Fandom family.

That ... that is the perfect description to what you all were to her.

Thank you.
And, yes. I was literally shaking and blinking away tears as I typed this. It's the kind of thing you never, ever want to write.

[em_kellesvig]

I'm so sorry for your loss and fandom's loss. I knew auburn through her stories and was always amazed by her talent. ::hugs::

[eretria]

Thank you - and you're so right about fandom's loss.

She was brilliant, and I'm so glad you all agree on this, because I don't think she ever believed me or anyone when we told her.

[synecdochic]

Oh no. I'm so sorry for your loss; she will be missed.

[eretria]

Thank you. I wish she could have known how well-liked she was.

[norah]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[eretria]

Thank you, sincerely.

[copracat]

I am so very sorry, I just heard. How absolutely shit to not know what has happened.

[eretria]

Thank you.
I'm currently so mad at the family, because they are just not answering any of my attempts to contact them.
But, then again, who am I to judge. They didn't know me personally. I'm just a person online. It still hurts.

[neery]

I'm so, so sorry to hear this.

[eretria]

Yeah. :-(

Thank you for your note, Neery.

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry about this. I only just found out. I loved her work in SGA and Due South. She was an amazing talent. It's so hard not knowing any details -- I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad you were able to get some actual facts.

[mecurtin]

I am devastated. I knew her only through the many conversations we had about her writing, but she's one of the greats. Betaing "Unnatural Selection" was one of the greatest experiences of my fandom career.

Are you her Fannish Next of Kin? Do you know if any of her work is missing from AO3?

[juniperphoenix]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't know auburn personally, but she was a tremendous writer. The Green Sea soundtrack is frequent listening in my house.

[eretria]

Thank you.
She was. (Past tense, GOD, that still does not compute.)
She would love to read what you wrote about Green Sea.